One hour left before Election Law Class starts, I've been reading the same paragraph for fourteen times already, and I still can't understand what was written, my mind refused to understand. I'm experiencing some heartbreak warfare, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me last night. I know I should be in a puffy-eyes-wasted-look-state right now, but I just couldn't gather the right emotions to feel. Maybe I got used to this feeling and treated it as just one of those petty fights we used to have every now and then. After the cliche of saying sorry and admitting to ourselves that it was our fault, sealing it with a kiss, and we would be that ideal couple again. So I chose to shrug it off, he breaking up with me, because people don't mean what they say when they're mad right? Which applies to him, but then again I wasn't really sure if he meant that or not, but the negativity won over me. I told myself will be okay tomorrow.
It's near finals and I'm all stressed out and law school has eaten up all the time in the world, plus my boyfriend still hasn't talked to me in days (four days to be exact) it's not the usual him, but I don't want to make the first move, I was the one being accused of senseless things like maybe I have found another guy, that I'm being selfish, that I only care of what I want and ignoring his true feelings. I wasn't the one who started the fight in the first place, it just happened over a DVD marathon, arguing on what film to watch, I insisted the movie Inception, he wanted Salt, and so we argued, to what have been the most shallow thing to fought over, and then he suddenly bursted, blurting all the accusations, me having an affair with my classmate, that I don't have time for him anymore, that I don't recognize all his efforts, that I'm all consumed up of the idea of law school, that I always start a fight, that I'm not even a good girlfriend. It was horrible, I was crying when he said all that, he ended the conversation by saying these things that crashed me.. "You know what's wrong with you, with us, with this relationship? You always argue on pretty much everything, making sure you win and slap into my face that you know everything and I'm just a little creature you can easily step on, I have ego Nikki, I'm the man in the relationship, I just wanted you to give me just a little respect, is that too much to ask? Quit manning me around, I'm not your toy. This is tiring, this just proves that we have become entirely different from each other. You make me feel less of a person and even worse making me feel stupid.
And there I was caught dumb-founded on what he just said, he walked out slamming my apartment door. For five minutes or what I thought as eternity, I sat there staring blankly at our picture hanged on my pink-painted wall, we were both smiling, while his hands on my waist, it would be a great prenuptial photo I though, with the epic place and the perfect rays of the Hongkong sun.
Now where is he? Isn't this the part where he will come knocking at my door with a dozen yellow tulips with his lost-puppy-look asking for my forgiveness? But to no avail, he isn't standing there. It was a mailman, handing me a black envelope - my own pandora's box, I don't have any clue what was written there. I accepted the black envelope, closed the door, walked towards the sofa, inhaled and exhaled, and finally had the courage to open the letter, right then and there I knew it came from Paulo. I gasped some air, and slowly read the letter....
...I couldn't gather the right amount of courage to confront you, and tell you what I feel, I just couldn't bare to see tears roll down your face. Yes, cowardice let me into writing you this letter. The past weeks was a struggle for me, for our relationship. You may not admit it, but I know you know, we are on the verge of losing it, losing the four happy years we've treasured together. We are starting to grow apart, apart from who we once were. You're taking your chosen path, and you know I supported you through it all, but have you ever asked yourself if you have done the same for me? I mean embracing whatever path I chose? Probably not, and it tears me apart. I am just that guy burning his ass off in his little chair at the corner of a little office asking for a little significance on everybody else - especially you. Asking for just a tap at the back for a job well done or asking for a home cooked meal after a tiring day at work, but the girl who used to do me all that, seemed to have died already. Where are you? Why is it that I cannot feel your presence anymore? I sure aint exaggerating things, this is what is happening to us, just in case you didn't know.
I love you, you know that, but they're right, love is never enough. And maybe it's best for us to know our priorities, set it straight, clear out our minds from all the clutter both of us has caused. And as what I can see, I occupy the last on your list. I'll let go of you now, maybe when world will turn upside down, maybe just maybe, I could find a place in your world, just like before.
I'm leaving for Australia tomorrow, I had it planned months ago, I just didn't bother to tell you, I thought you wouldn't even care. I will miss you, please take care of yourself. Goodbye.
Paulo
My hands were shaking as i repeatedly read the last part for a hundred times. He's leaving, he's leaving me without even letting me explain myself, he obviously excluded me in his life. I can't breathe and all I see was nothing but total darkness.
"Hey you okay?" I see my best friend's worried face, I see a nurse injecting something on me.
"What happened?"
"You passed out. What's going on with you? Does Paulo know about this? I'm trying to call him, but he's number can't be reached"
"Don't bother calling him, he will not even bother to see me."
"I'm confused, where is he? He's supposed to be here. What's going on between the two of you?"
"He's now in a flight bound to Australia, he will never come back." Tears formed my eyes, I hugged Tricia and cried like a little girl losing her favorite doll.
